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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I'm a bitch. A selfish, uncaring, PRETENTIOUS bitch. Part 1

It's been months since I've last clicked on post and then blog. It's been a long time. The once sweet posts I had about me and you know who have changed too. Just like me. I don't know. I'm pointless. I can't do it. So maybe ugh.. you can't catch up. It's like I'm hiding between a mask. I admit, I dont know who I've been lately. Maybe it's because of my parents leaving me and nic behind, leaving us defenseless against temptations or whatever? It's like without them, there's no one reminding me of this and that. It may be nerve-wracking when you hear this from your parents, but I admit. I miss it. I miss the guidance. I miss family devotions. They were right though. I can't go live a life by myself. Not yet. Not until I'm strong in the faith. Not until I can learn to stand for what I believe in. For short, I'm immature.

I'm a bitch. I've been acting like one lately. Going home late, disobeying my parents, even fighting people for things they didnt do to me. ganun man ako dati ba.. pero parang nagworsen. First time ko tong i-admit sa  buhay ko, so yung mga tao lang na close sa akin ang makabasa nito. This is what I think of myself right now.

I'm dependent. Ken knows this. My mom knows this. I've been deluded to an idea that I need someone for me to be happy. I need someone to make me feel confident.Then kapag mawala ang taong yun, para akong magaga. Iyak dito, iyak doon. Ewan. Alam ko man din ba na parang di talaga sila para sakin.. pero ginapilit ko parin sarili ko. Alam ko na di sila tama para sakin. Siniseryoso ko talaga.. yun pala di pala seryoso para sa kanila. I've recently read a book lately entitled just friends. It's a christian book by the way, and my. it was a blessing. Dun ko narealize na emotionally-dependent pala talaga ako. And people like me are still arent ready for a relationship. Bang.

Sa tingin niyo may ginawa ako? Wala. Freaking wala. GAGA. Gaga talaga. Di ko kaya. Di talaga. Sobrang attached na ako..... Ewan.

I'm not as innocent as people think I am. Sa tingin nila I'm all so goody-goody, ganyan. Di talaga. Kung alam lang nila kung ano ginawa ko sa buhay ko. Kung anong mga pinanggagawa kong stupid. I've wasted my life. I've wasted my first kiss. I didn't save it for the right person. Yun. I;ve put my heart into something na wala pala talaga. I've entrusted my heart to people who I thought feel the same way too. Pero di pala. Hindi pala talaga. Marami na akong gnawa na di niyo ma-imagine na kaya kong gawin.. Things na siguro wala niyo pa natry. I'm wasted. Used. Crumpled, like the comparison I had with my life during C.E time. God, help.

People have this impression na tahimik ako. Na like kung awayin nila ako, di ako magfight back. They have this idea na sunud-sunuran lang ako parati, na wala akong ability na magalit, na magfight back. Mali na naman yan.

Chaka. Parang pretend lang man pala tong buhay na to uy.
What have I been?!